Dreams

I just woke up from an interesting dream. It went something like this:
I was in Best Buy and I saw this little kid/baby (throughout this dream his age kept shifting from around 1 to 4 to nearly 9 years old and back again) and he was just kind of left in this corner and no one had seen him and so I picked him up and took him home and was waiting for his parents to call and take him home and then a bunch of my family came over and I'm terrible with babies so I kept scraping his head all over the brick corners (he didn't really get hurt though). Later I was at a high schooler party and it got busted by the cops and this cop really liked my lip ring and so she was talking to me and being all nice and we were making fun of the highschoolers and I was trying to not get a ticket and she was like "Hey, you should read this book I'm working on!" and so I did and it was ok, and then I didn't get a ticket, but I lost Alejandro Isaiah (the baby) because apparently his parents had come to pick him up and I didn't even get to say goodbye. And now I feel kind of sad, like, "Where's my baby?" and I keep thinking like I'm supposed to be carrying something around and watching out for it's head.

awake at last!

I've been experimenting with different concoctions in the morning to see what I could possibly do to keep myself awake in my early classes. I have no problem leaping out of bed and going to them, but once there I can't seem to stay awake. And usually I get around 10 hours of sleep, so there is no excuse. So far I've tried coffee (which I hate) and I mixed it with a ton of cream and sugar, so maybe that diluted the caffeine, I don't know. Also mountain dew, sprite, and sugary cereal. They were all failures.
Yesterday was one of the busiest days of my life and I was dead tired throughout the whole thing and I lambed, so I didn't get to go to bed until 12:30. And I woke up this morning at 7:30 and have been *wide awake* all day. I usually nap after my classes and again after lunch, but I don't think sleep would be possible when I'm this awake. Here is my cure:
This morning at breakfast I decided to try Mountain Dew code red. There was no carbonated water in it, just the straight syrup, so I got a glass of it with a dash of regular, normal mountain dew just to dilute it a little. It was like a Shirley Temple with almost no sprite, delicious. It was so good, it was off the hook. And I don't think I will ever sleep again! Pure grenadine is my no-doze and it is tasty as all hell. The only problem is I don't know how I'll convince the Derb to never put carbonation into the code red again.....

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes... – Strange and Beautiful, Aqualung

I took a goofy quiz

LJ Friends Meme by

• You must tell 3 people about this game.
• Tyler is the one that you love.
• Tim is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Emma.
• anna is the one who knows you very well.
• holly is your lucky star.
• lets get it on is the song that matches with Tyler.
• i miss you is the song for Tim.
• stellar is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and having a blast is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz

remarkably accurate results, but then, those things always work, don't they? It's just that fucking make a wish at the end and tell 3 people shit that screws you over. Maybe that's why my wishes never come true, I always wish for the same damn thing but I'm not annoying enough to e-mail this shit to other people, so I get "chain e-mail cursed"!

Saying Goodbye

So today I deleted his pictures and posts from my hardrive. Probably I should never have saved them there in the first place, and I do still know exactly where to go to see them all again on the internet, but they are no longer lurking on my harddrive. It was always a swift kick in the gut to stumble across them, and it has been known to spark a rough couple of hours, so it is better that they're gone. The posts that he made on our philosophy class's webpage will be missed. They were very articulate and thought provoking and represented a point of view entirely separate from the majority of our class, but I deleted those, too, and there will be no way to ever read them again. I also removed several Tyler-related links from my favorites list, things like his friends' xangas. Except one, because I know the kid, too, and he is genuinely entertaining to read and he rarely talks about Tyler (except when he calls him an amazing specimen of how the human species should be...)
So I'm trying to move on. Today wasn't the best day, but I've obviously had worse. I'll make a scale of one to ten. One being what I'm aspiring to: a day without a single thought of Tyler. Ten being a very bad day, more like the ones I used to have where I never stopped thinking about him. I'd give today a 4.2.

"And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face" - Postal Service (Phil Collins?)

I love valentine's day

Not because I've ever had a boyfriend during it, but because the day after it is my birthday! Yeah! There is always a bunch of buildup, because I insist on my special day being...my special day.
But what I'm really here to talk about today is God. What proof is there really, that there is any God at all that exists? The Christian Crusade girls who visit us say that the bible is our proof. I think that they are lucky in that they can just base their faith on this and then they are certain and sure. I think that they are stupid for basing their entire faith on something that can be so easily torn down, just using simple logic. It's a book. Written 2,000 years ago, by men. It states things that are clearly in direct opposition to current knowledge of science Like: dinosaurs, the earth having water above it and within it, the idea that it would be possible to flood the entire earth, the notion that every human came from just two people, the list obviously goes on. It isn't their fault, it was before the scientific revolution. It's only natural that they would have ideas that were incorrect. The bible also is filled with things in direct opposition to current standards of morality. Like slavery, and genocide, and human sacrifice. So it isn't going to cut it for me to try and base a personal philosophy on the bible. But there also isn't any proof against a God. Similar to there being no proof against invisible, giant, ninja monkeys. But there seems to be a universal intuition that there is a greater power, and I don't think that that should necessarily be ignored. I don't think that it is so intellectually unsound to believe in something that has no proof for it, as long as you are willing to believe in other things that have no proof, like bigfoot and ghosts. But I hate the idea of believing in other stupid supernatural things. Telepathy, ghosts, voodoo, etc. If you're going to believe in one supernatural thing that doesn't appear to have much basis, don't you have to believe in the rest?


Tyler lyric for the day

"And he doesn’t know who I am
And he doesn’t give a damn about me
Cuz I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby" - Wheatus

well, shit

So I just washing machine-ed my cell phone. First off, this is immediately inconvenient because I have friends coming down from Omaha for my party tonight, and they will need directions and have no way of contacting me. This is overcome by my use of my roommate's cell phone. Also, I have been telling everyone for weeks and months about my birthday party, which is tonight, so it is reasonable to expect that people may be calling me, trying to determine times, addresses, money, etc. Hopefully said friends will have the presence of mind to call someone else that they would expect to be with me to find out the needed information. Finally, I am broke as all hell. I have absolutely no money, whatsoever. My parents have no money to give me. I've applied for every job that's come along, interviewed for all of them, and then been shot down. I just found out that I was mistaken in my belief that my parents had deposited money into my account and so I have badly overdrawn it many times in the past couple of weeks and will probably have to pay fines out my ass. But life without a cell phone? It is almost inconceivable. It is like life without an internet, or worse...a torso. (mad props if anyone caught the BtVS reference there. And if you don't know what BtVS stands for...you are much cooler than I)
The good news though, is that I'm having a party and I'm really excited and it's going to be crazy fun. And my friends and little sister are coming, so I'm ecstatic, and my roommate just got me the best birthday present ever: a big poster of Brandon Boyd, to go between Bob and Jim.



Also I cleaned my room really thoroughly today, so that makes me happy, and I did laundry, so I have lots of clean clothes.

One final thing, here comes my 10th straight night of getting wasted. I'm no longer sure if that is a cool thing or not. I also learned about a fantastic book I need to check out from the library: Hume's Dialougues concerning natural religion.

I'm sick and I want to die

Well, ok, I don't actually want to die, that is just an exaggeration.
I am, however, so sick that it isn't even funny. After I finished my 7 days straight of drinking I was just chilling last night and my friend was drinking and I was like..."why not?" so I got *filthy* dirty drunk. And today, I am sick. Last Friday and Saturday I was pretty sick, but since then I've been rather good, just getting drunk and not wasted. Last night I was WASTED. I puked everywhere, ended up passing out on someone's couch. This morning I walked home and I was still drunk. I wasn't sober until...2 in the afternoon, and now I'm dying. My classes have been torture, although I did ace the hell out of another quiz and get a 100% on my lab that I was worried about.
So in conclusion, I never want to drink again. I probably will, though, if not tonight, then certainly tomorrow at my party.
Speaking of my party, roommate told Tyler about it and he said he'd probably go. I was wanting him to not go and I wasn't going to invite him. Damn! I'm only ok when I don't see him. And after a serious Tyler drought all semester, I have seen him 3 times in the past 2 days. The "best" was just now, he was taking trays at dinner. I talked to him. Also, one of the boys I kind of like was eating dinner with us and so him and another kid from my floor have now heard about my crazy obsession. And they, understandably, are not impressed. I don't think it was emphasized enough that I am getting better! I'm just in a rough patch.

Watched an interesting movie on evolution vs. creation, by a hard core Christian fanatic. It was mind numbing. He presents all of his "evidence" so convincingly and as though what he was saying were plain fact, when it is plainly evident to me that none of it is accurate. Infuriating. The worst is when he cites dialouges he's had with evolutionists and he quotes them and just makes them out to be total idiots.
Minister (Ron Carlson) - "Well what do you have to say about the third law of Thermodynamics?"
Evolutionist - "uhhh...well...hmm..."
Ron Carlson - "The third law of thermodynamics is the law of entropy, it states that things cannot go from a less ordered state to a more ordered state, which is in direct opposition to your THEORY of evolution which says that higher organisms evolved from lower creatures."
Evolutionist - "Uhh...duuuhh..mmmmep?"

Which is frustrating because that isn't even what the third law of thermodynamics says. It says that in a closed system the total entropy cannot decrease. The earth isn't a closed system, the sun provides energy which would be the impetus for decreasing total entropy. How the hell do they think trees grow from seeds? Is that in opposition to thermodynamics, too?

Another good one is when he insists that there is absolutely no evidence that the earth is any older than 6,000 years. Ron is going off on how the way that they date fossils is by the rocks they are in and they date the age of the rocks by the fossils in them. Doesn't mention, oh, CARBON DATING!!

Alright, I'll be done for now. I have a disease called "limerance" in which I can't seem to behave rationally at all in matters concerning a certain boy I know, wish me well!

My ideal drug

You scored as Mushrooms. Shrooms! You're still goin for one of the most natural drugs. You'd like to visit a whole other world, and see things you've never seen before. Fucking trippy. Mushrooms 94% Marijuana 56% Inhalents 50% Cocaine 50% Ecstacy 50% Alcohol 38% None! 25% What's your ideal drug? created with QuizFarm.com

I'm pretty sure I called that one - shrooms. With my least ideal drug being nothing, lol. I'm a little surprised that alcohol didn't rank higher, but...oh well.

indie?

You scored as Indie. Indie. Indie 88% Indie Rock 79% Emo & More 75% Punk and Pop Punk. 71% Classic Rock. 63% Industrial 58% Ska 58% Hip Hop and Rap 54% Hardcore 54% Britpop 42% Mainstream 42% Country 38% Music Recommendation created with QuizFarm.com

Happy

I've been really happy lately.
I was walking to class this morning and it occured to me that it doesn't have to be 70 degrees outside to be a beautiful day. Sometimes it's 2 degrees and there's a good layer of snow on the ground, but when the sun is shining...how can you not love it?
I love college. I love the freedom, and I love that you get graded based on your merits and the work you put forth. I love that you have absolutely no responsibility and that if I want to just spend weeks, or even months, just hanging out and reading and learning and talking to people, I can do that. Hell, that's all I really do! At any time at all I can walk over to Hale library, go down to the basement and lose myself in whatever I want to learn about at that moment. If I want to get wasted in the evening, I can! Maybe I'll make a snowman tonight. I have music, and friends, and interesting classes. I'm never stressed, I'm rarely genuinely unhappy, I never get sick or bored or yelled at. The only emotional turmoil I feel at all is my personal attempts at working out an understanding of the world that I can take and call my own faith.

"It fills me with an enormous sense of well being." - Blur, Parklife

Morality

So what makes an action inherently immoral? Or is there even such thing as an inherently immoral act? I'm thinking no... Let's take an example, there will be many in this post because I'm typing to try and organize thoughts. The act of killing a person. This is not immoral, in my opinion, in the case of euthanasia, so is not an inherently immoral act. Lying is struck down if it is done to spare feelings, also stealing if it is justified, so really...there are no acts that are in and of themselves intrinsically wrong. I don't think that an act can be judged based only on it's consequences either, though. Say you're mailing a birthday cake to your mom and through some mishap it ends up arriving at the house of someone whose mother has recently died and then that person feels really sad. That wasn't immoral, the consequences were unfortunate but the intent was not to hurt. Can intention alone determine morality of an action? If you intend to hit someone in the face really hard and break their nose, but you miss and end up swinging into the air and falling on the ground like a fool and then the person laughs...was the act of hitting still wrong? I don't know. When watching a film in slow motion of a person being unjustly murdered, say by lethal injection, where is the point where you can say "There! Right there, that is immoral!" Obviously it is wrong to kill someone who doesn't want to be killed, but does the wrongness start before the needle gets anywhere near them, back when the executioner fills it with the...stuff? Or is it when the decision was made to kill the person? Is it when the needle enters the skin, or when the person dies? When is the immorality?

What I'm really getting at is this: there are people (I haven't spoken to them, but I'm sure they exist) who feel that drinking every night for a week straight for the sole purpose of drunkenness is wrong. I don't understand why. What makes it wrong to be drunk? In fact, I would say it is good. I think that I might think that the only things in life that are inherently valuable are those that are tangibly pleasurable, and drinking is one of them. That doesn't mean that those are the only things that have value, but they are the only things that have value in and of themselves.

I was also thinking about this today because I was deciding what to give up for lent. Now, I'm not Catholic, lately I'm barely even Christian, so I have no obligation to give anything up and in past years I usually don't. But I was thinking that I would give up Ranch sauce (this is a big deal for me, I use ranch at every meal) and then I was thinking how that might suck, but then I thought that it was a good thing to do anyway. And then I thought....why? Why the hell would it be good to give up something that I love for a month? But there is a certain feeling that flat out hedonism isn't exactly the most rewarding lifestyle. You can sense it, you know that there would be something missing, a certain depth of thought and intensity of emotion. I think that I will give up the ranch, and then in 40 days I'll appreciate it even more, maybe that is the purpose for me. If you don't appreciate what you have, it loses it's value. Bam! I'm glad I typed this out, I feel much better.

New plan!

I have a big new plan!
Yeah!
I'm drunk again and I've decided that I'm going to drink every night for a week straight. I'm already on day 4, so I'm doing great. And Tuesday is Marde Gras, so that won't be hard, and Wednesday is a big game here in Manhatten, so I can be drunk then too. Monday will be the only day that might be rough.
And then I'll take Thursday off, and then obviously drink agaoin both friday and Saturday! Hell Yeah!
Saturday is my birhtday party, everyone's going to be there. Unelss they're a square. or a fascist. 1427 LeGore! Hell Yeah!

In other news, I really am trying to get over Tyler...its just harder when I see him.

and shelled peanuts rock my world

also chocolate covered cherries and chips with bean dip

xdrunk

so right now I''m pretty fucking wasted...aI saw teyler tonight amd I talked to him. he was really hot and I cried little, because he's so hot, and because Ilove him so much, you know....it's a pigeion. AwesomeQ! I saw many hot boys tonight... very hott. I have a friend, he's got brown eyes, but a funny nose. I saw his brother say that boy his brother is SO HOTT! Holy shit. gO figure, a funny boy who ahs a hottt brother. Very hot. I saw Tyler. I hid. I talke dt him. H ewas so hot ht at I had to hid e a little gbit. God that boy is fucking gorgeous. I love him.. I think that I am not over him when I see hi,=m. So I Gguess it's better that I never do see him anymore. H e is beautiful. I love him... Smart too. I have a bottle of HoT SEx. I didn't drink it, but I found it and carried it with bme. Funny. I talked to cops. I was not arrested. yea!!

Lust?

You scored as Lust. Lust 75% Sloth 50% Gluttony 44% Pride 25% Wrath 6% Envy 0% Greed 0% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

I don't think I need to say anything in my own defense; it is pretty obvious to me that it is better to be lustful than any of the others.

Misc.

The Beatles are awesome. It is too easy to forget just how freaking sweet they are and take for granted that everyone loves the Beatles; but when you pop a Beatles CD in, you will be smacked in the face with just how ridiculously good they really were. Despite that, singing "All together now, (all together now!), All together now..." over and over will not win you any friends, especially if you are drunk.

Last night went a little differently that usual; I mean, I still got filthy drunk, threw up, and ate Gumby's pizza, but the timing was a little different. Usually I'll start out with around 4 shots, this gets me wasted. I then stop entirely, or wait a couple hours before drinking any more, and then we'll get Gumby's. If I throw up, it is either at the very end of the night and it results in me getting sent home, or I wait until I'm laying in bed and then realize that no sleeping will happen unless I puke. Last night I started off with at least 6 shots at around 10:30. By 11:00 I was sick as a dog, projectile vomiting everywhere. It seems that when Rachael is throwing up, everyone wants her to go somewhere. I'm in the bathroom they want me outside, I'm outside, someone's trying to get me into a car to go to another party, so then I'm puking out the window of a moving car. Just leave me alone until I'm finished! Seems like common sense, people. But then I was fine and had a good, fun, long night. We didn't even get to Gumby's until around 2:30, and I don't think I went to bed until much later.

I made out with another guy. This is becoming somewhat routine, I can't seem to keep them off the damn lipring...not that I'm trying very hard. Go figure, last semester I was some sort of leper who couldn't even get a Star Trek loser to talk to me, and now I kiss a different guy every weekend. That and I think I need to start carrying around a toothbrush because kissing someone after violently throwing up is not cool.

I aced the hell out of my first Physics test. 97%, hell yeah!

In summary: The Beatles are awesome. Throwing up doesn't have to mean the end of your night. Boys like lip rings. Gumby's pizza is the food of the Gods.

I don't know if I mentioned, I got rid of that track kid...I had my roommate pretend to be me on the phone and tell him it wasn't going to work. I'm a bitch.

Tyler quote for the day, from the Faint song Glass Danse "It's a disinterest, not that I'm a timid guy."

Singing with headphones

So when I'm walking to class and Jethro Tull's Hymn comes on and that kick ass refrain busts out, what am I supposed to do besides sing along? Really! I generally will keep it on the DL (the down-low, of course) and just hum a little or something, but then...Grateful Dead One Toke over the line comes on and then what am I supposed to do? Or Sum 41's fat lip. That song must be sang along with.
My friend has an idea that I think might be really brilliant. She thinks that everyone should just sing along and not fucking worry about everyone else. Except those people who, like, really sing along and are all good and shit. We don't need to hear that.
Last week I was in the library and it was after midnight on a Tuesday night and there was no one there and I was in the basement. I seriously thought I was alone, so I start singing with my music, and not really all that quietly. I thought I was alone! Then I got up to print something and it turns out there was some graduate student at a computer behind a pole. So I had to leave because I was embarrassed. Asshole.

Baby names

Alice and Victoria for my girls. I've wanted Victoria since I was about 5 years old, so there is no negotiation there. My first child WILL be named Victoria, girl or boy. And there will be no shortening! None of this Vicki shit, her name is Victoria, it's pretty and that's what she'll be called. If it's a boy I'll consider Victor as a nickname, but he shouldn't get his hopes up.
My second boy name is Bass Fishing in America. Because that is a funny-ass name. Can you imagine at graduation? "Bass Fishing in America Kohler, he participated in Art club and Latin club and was also Class secretary." Ha! He can shorten his name to Bass. Or Fish. And his driver's license! Heck, that is a funny name! I wish MY name was Bass Fishing in America!
As long as we're on the subject, here are the things I've tried to change my name to:
Victoria. When I was in kindergarten and elementary school, whenever we played house or any sort of game where I got to make my own name, it was always Victoria.
Charisma. In junior high I was a loser and when I went on vacation I would tell people my name was Charisma and then laugh quietly to myself when people called my by that. I did that for a couple years.
Abubakar. When I got my driver's license when I was 16, it turned out that my birth certificate wasn't the official one, but the temporary one that you correct mistakes on. So I tried really hard to pretend that Rachael had been a mistake and that my name was Abubakar. I then insisted that people call me that. That only lasted a few weeks, but it was pretty flipping hilarious. I got the name doing calls for Mike Fahey, the democratic mayoral candidate in Omaha.
Good times.

Wind Energy

I've finally decided how I feel about wind energy in Kansas. The issue was first brought to my attention by none other than Tyler last year at lunch (we had lunch together once. Brilliant).
I consider myself pretty environmentally aware and feel rather strongly that it is important to preserve our nonrenewable natural resources, etc. So I had always just assumed that wind energy was a very good idea, and since Kansas is ridiculously windy, I didn't think that there was an issue. However, I was disconcerted to find that the Audubon society and a couple other environmental organizations in Kansas were opposing measures being taken to build wind turbines. Apparently there is a big push going on to build turbines in the flint hills, which are home to approximately 2/3rds of the total amount of tall grass prairie in the world. So it isn't a very cool idea at all to tear up natural habitat and put in these huge-ass wind turbines, and all of their maintenance roads and power lines. However, western Kansas is an ideal site for such an undertaking and would benefit the farmers out there as well. So, no wind farms in the flint hills, but yeah to wind farms in western Kansas.

College vs. high school

One nice thing about college vs. high school is that all of those bitchy, fake baking, dyed hair, trendy-clothed girls now wear distinguishing symbols all over them. They all say things like Delta Delta Delta or Chi Alpha Omega, so you can easily identify them from a distance and then avoid them. Especially if you are wearing something uncool that day, or if you're going to a dorky class.

In other news, I went to my first lambing class and I'm SO excited! I have signed up for 6 different evenings/early mornings in which I'll apparently just hang out in the barn, waiting for sheep to have babies! My first shift is the 21st of February and I stay there from 3:00 AM - 7:00 AM. And if a sheep has a baby I get to watch, and if it gets stuck I get to pull it out! And then carry it to the lambing bin. And they usually have twins! TWO baby sheep! I'm ridiculously excited, I'm going to take tons of pictures and then post them here.
Ooh, also I got to turn my pigeon calendar to a new page: